Feeling Feelings

So I went to therapy yesterday in a terrible mood. It was one of those days where I really did not want to go. Usually I'm in a peppy mood when I go to therapy because the bad incidents happened earlier in the week. But it was happening right then and there and I'm so happy looking in hindsight that I was able to go through it during my session.

When we're having a bad episode we sometimes forget our tools. I certainly did. My therapist reminded me though of what they are and a new one too. 

I really struggle to identify my feelings. My body's defense mechanism is that I have no feelings. It shoves them away and buries them deep so when I explode, I level out cities. My recovery goals are to become more self-aware so that when these breakdowns or anxiety attacks happen I can handle them better.

Being self aware for me is hard evaluate I've never practiced it. For example, yesterday I knew something was wrong but I had no idea how I felt. I didn't know if I was angry or sad or frustrated. I just had this crushing feeling of not being happy. My new tool is this picture: 

This is going to help me identify how I feel at that exact moment and then immerse myself in that feeling. Feelings demand to be felt and when you don't feel them or do more than feel them (become the feeling) things can get bad. You are not angry, you feel angry. Feel the emotion then let it pass through and you're emotional palette will come out clean and thankful. 

 Sunny day 

Sweepin' the clouds away

On my way to where the air is sweet 

- Joe Raposo

Self Acceptance

“I was not ladylike, nor was I manly. I was something else altogether. There were so many different ways to be beautiful.”

-Michael Cunningham

Through recovery and just my life journey to better myself I've learned that the world is not clear cut black or white. One of my role models, Rachel Brathen (known as yoga_girl on Instagram, and wonderfulyou on Tumblr), wrote this: 

"...as to life, it's not black or white, it's black and white and hopefully pink and sparkly inbetween... you can teach yoga and still love to party. meditate and ignore your spending problems. be vegan and eat too much chocolate. have a swedish passport and live in the caribbean. you can do anything, as long as its you. the beat of your heart is the rhythm of your soul. underbara du - wonderful, you." 

Sometimes I think we see people as one dimensional and maybe we even see ourselves as one dimensional. When we don't fit into those one dimensional models we think we have to fix ourselves until we do. This isn't the case at all. Matter of fact it's far from it. We need to accept that we are multifaceted individuals with depth and complex characteristics. We are messy and confusing and that's okay. That's who you are. 

For those who still have a hard time accepting themselves here's some Dr. Seuss to hopefully give you that little inspirational push: 

"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you."

Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen

I really wanted to post an inspirational video on recovery from mental health, or maybe an It Gets Better video that maybe caters to mental illness but my youtube searching skills suck. So here is my favorite inspirational life video, a graduation speech to the 1997 high school class. Listen to it all the way through, I promise you won't be disappointed. 

Lyrics:

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97 
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be 
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by 
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable 
than my own meandering 
experience…I will dispense this advice now. 
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not 
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. 
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and 
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before 
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you 
imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as 
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing 
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that 
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm 
on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. 
Floss Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes 
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with 
yourself. 
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. 
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they 
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t. 
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t 
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your 
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, 
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people 
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever 
own.. Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for 
good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the 
people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and 
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you 
knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live 
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will 
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize 
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were 
noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, 
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one 
might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will 
look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who 
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of 
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the 
ugly parts and recycling it for more than 
it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…

Therapy

I've tried a few things to help my anxiety. I started therapy when I was a junior in college when I was diagnosed with depression (damn you Organic Chemistry!). Therapy has been a huge help for me. Talking to someone who you can talk to objectively about your problems and who can give you a fresh perspective can change how you view everything. This time around I needed something a bit more than just someone to talk to.

My therapist now has given me tons of tools to help manage my anxiety. I already told you guys about my daily reader, A Restful Mind and I've mentioned a bit about How I Met Your Mother. The reason I watch How I Met Your Mother when I'm having an anxiety attack stems from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which is a psychotherapeutic approach that addresses dysfunctional emotions and maladaptive behaviors. CBT is "problem focused" and "action oriented". But I'm no good with this lingo. Basically cognitive behavioral theory is taking a "bad" behavior and replacing it with something else. When you feel an anxiety attack coming on go take a shower, or watch something that will make you laugh, or cook. This therapy is meant to promote calming behaviors and stop your anxiety in it's tracks. It attempts to change the signals in your brain that with anxiety comes something funny or something calming and hopefully eventually you won't need them anymore.

But that's a terrible explanation. All I know is, Laughter is the best medicine. 

Other techniques I picked up was reaching out to my support system, aka my boyfriend Ethan. When you stay in your own head, you become your worst enemy and that can just make things worse. I used to be afraid that if I talked about it out loud it would make my problems real, and if they're in my head then they aren't real. In reality when you reach out to someone and just tell them "Hey I'm having a bit of an issue with this and I was wondering if you could just help". Your friends and family are there to care, love and support you. Be honest, and explicit about what you need and you'll be okay.

A final technique that has helped me the most, but I seldom practice anymore is yoga. Yoga promotes mindfulness, balance and self-love. A crockpot of self care and the perfect recipe for recovery. I feel in touch with myself and my life feels balanced. If you can't do a whole practice, simple breathing exercises can help tremendously to bring you back to center.

"Just take a deep breath in ... and a deep breath out and decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it."

Flooding

Lately I've become so frustrated with my anxiety. I just want it all gone. I feel like it's starting to take over my life and I just want to be able to live my life to the fullest again. I have allergies, but that doesn't mean I should NOT be afraid to eat fruits and nuts just because they're related to my insane pollen, ragweed or tree allergy. I should not have a panic attack thinking about the hypothetical situation of what would happen to me if my parents and boyfriend all decided to leave NY for one weekend. I should not run away just because my sister is loud and attracts attention. 

I confronted my therapist about this. How do I face my fears? How do I conquer these anxiety mountains? The answer I got? Flooding. 

Flooding is a form of behavior therapy based on the principles of respondent conditioning. It is sometimes referred to as exposure therapy with the goal of reintegrating repressed emotions with current awareness. 

Flooding should not be done alone. You should always have someone there who can be your personal little cheerleader and supporter. It's your safety net.

Ugh, that was not the answer I wanted to hear! Face my fears? Actually sit there and eat a banana and not freak out?! The idea seems simple. But it's far from that. I have yet to try this. I still don't know if I'm making either excuses or accommodations for my anxiety, but I'm waiting for the winter (when all the pollen is gone) to try fruits, peanut butter, and avocados again. The hardest part about this flooding process is that those three food/ food groups used to be the main staple of my diet. I can't put into words the complicated relationship that a person can develop with food. But I'm done with it. Food is nourishment, it's life, it's pleasure and most importantly a necessity to be alive.

My boyfriend told me something the other night from a movie we never watched that hit home:

Danger is real but fear is a choice. 

So what will you choose today?

Self Care

Take a deep breath in... and a deep breath out. Where are you right now? Be mindful of where you are, here and now, be present. 

Sometimes those of us with mental illness feel angry with ourselves, maybe frustrated in our recovery. I've learned that recovery is a very long, slow, and patient process. We're going to have slip-ups and relapses, but that does not mean that we should just give up.

This is where self-care comes in. Self care is listening to the signals and the messages we receive from our body. 

When you're stressed from school work, try taking a break and coming at it from another angle in 5 or 10 minutes.

Feeling sick? Drink some tea, don't go to the gym.

Feeling rushed? Stop and be present. Be mindful of where you are at this moment in time.

If you are tired, maybe go to sleep early that night.

Whenever I have an anxiety attack, or feel one coming, I stop whatever I'm doing, get myself some tea and watch a little How I Met Your Mother. I listen to my body and come back to center.

Tolerance, patience, self love all lead to serenity, and are the goals of recovery. We should use our frustration as a catapult to teach us patience.

Deb from Home Life Simplified has an extensive list of 50 ideas for Self Care.

Question to ask yourself:
Do I cope wisely and patiently with my frustration and practice self care and self love today? 

A Restful Mind

A few months after I started to see my therapist he recommended that I get a daily meditation book. He had one in his office called Voices of Recovery by Overeaters Anonymous. It gave such great advice that was both inspirational and realistic. It hit home. I went out to go and buy it but then I realized that it was specialized for overeaters. Now, I probably do have a problem eating a little too much. Most people do, but that's not the issue I have. So I went on a search for a better daily reader that was more suited to recovery from anxiety disorders. What I found was A Restful Mind by Mark Allen Zabawa. 

I've only been reading this book for about 2 months, so I can't give a full review on it. But so far I love it. Every day there is a a page that talks about a different aspect of anxiety or recovery and then gives a "Thought for the day", usually a summary of that day's theme. 

Almost all of them have really resonated with me and Zabawa seems to intimately know my struggles. I wanted to share an excerpt from his book that has helped me tremendously. 

Many of us know well what is is like to hide our thoughts and feelings from our family members, partner, or spouse- particularly when it comes to our illness and it's symptoms. Some of us feel embarrassed, while others fear a reaction.

Yet when we hide these thoughts and feelings from the person we are closest to, we create a make-believe relationship. 

To be true to ourselves and the people we care about, we must become honest and communicate as best we can. We must take a risk. We must begin to reveal step by step and day by day, what is within us.

Today do I hide the real me or do I share what is within? 

I consistently hide my anxiety from friends, classmates, and even my family. Why? Because I don't see the point. They won't know how to help or what to say, and they might not even understand. When you open yourself up and someone just doesn't get what you're going through can really hurt and make you feel more alone than ever. What's important to take away from this is that the people who care for you will always try to understand, and help you with what you need. You just need to be honest and straightforward. I have to constantly remind myself of this fact. My support system is there to support me and love me and aid me in my recovery journey, but people are not mind readers. They won't know how to help you until you tell them what you need.

Tip of the day: 
Be honest with yourself and your support system. Tell them what's going on and what you need from them.
If you are part of a support system for someone with an anxiety disorder or any mental illness, be patient. Coming to terms with their demons is not easy and they'll need a lot of tender loving care.